[Vision2020] Al Franken's new book (Excerpt)

[Luke]

Dear Visionaires,
Is this Wambler Stambler under yet another guise? Who else uses so many
caps?

Random happy thoughts,
Luke Nieuwsma

----- Original Message -----
From: <jasonm8yer@moscow.com>
To: <vision2020@moscow.com>
Sent: Thursday, August 21, 2003 2:30 PM
Subject: [Vision2020] Al Franken's new book (Excerpt)


> Enjoy/Discuss/Debate
>
> An excerpt from
> LIES: And the Lying Liars Who Them--A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right
> by Al Franken
>
>
> ************
> INTRODUCTION
> ************
>
> God chose me to write this book.
>
> Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of God's
> existence, but also of His/Her/Its beneficence. That's right. I am not
> certain of God's precise gender. But I am certain that He/She/It chose me
to
> write this book.
>
> This isn't hubris. I'm not saying this in an egotistical way. God didn't
> choose me because I'm the greatest writer who ever lived. That was William
> Shakespeare, whose work I have a passing familiarity with. No. I just
> happened to be the right vessel at the right time. If something in this
book
> makes you laugh, it was God's joke. If something makes you think, it's
> because God had a good point to make.
>
> The reason I know God chose me is because God spoke to me personally.
>
> God began our conversation by clearing something up. Some of George W.
> Bush's friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president
during
> these times of trial. But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen
Al
> Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the
> electoral college. "THAT WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE," God said.
>
> "What about Tilden?" I asked, referring to the 1876 debacle.
>
> "QUIET!" God snapped. God was angry.
>
> God said that after 9/11, George W. Bush squandered a unique moment of
> national unity. That instead of rallying the country around a program of
> mutual purpose and sacrifice, Bush cynically used the tragedy to solidify
> his political power and pursue an agenda that panders to his base and
serves
> the interests of his corporate backers.
>
> God told me that Bush squandered a $4.6 trillion surplus and is plunging
us
> into deficits as far as God can see. And that Bush squandered another
> surplus. The surplus of goodwill from the rest of the world that he had
> inherited from Bill Clinton.
>
> And this was pissing God off.
>
> He/She/It was right. But it sounded like a lot of work.
>
> "Look, God, I'm flattered, but I think you got the wrong guy. The kind of
> book you're talking about would require months of research."
>
> And God said, "LET THERE BE GOOGLE. AND LET THERE BE LEXISNEXIS."
>
> "Very funny, God. I use Google all the time."
>
> "YES, I KNOW," God said. "FOR HOT ASIAN TEENS."
>
> "You must be thinking of my son, Joe."
>
> "AL? I'M OMNISCIENT."
>
> "Okay, okay." I changed the subject. "It's just that I can't do this book
> myself."
>
> "LEAVE THAT TO ME," God boomed.
>
> And that's when Harvard called.
>
>
> ***
> Harvard's Kennedy School of Government asked me to serve as a fellow at
its
> Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, and Public Policy. After my
> varied and celebrated career in television, movies, publishing, and the
> lucrative world of corporate speaking, being a fellow at Harvard seemed,
> frankly, like a step down.
>
> I couldn't think of anything less appealing than molding the minds of
> tomorrow's leaders, unless it was spending fireside evenings sipping
sherry
> with great minds at the Faculty Club. Yawn.
>
> To my surprise and delight, though, all Harvard wanted me to do was show
up
> every once in a while and write something about something. That gave me an
> idea.
>
> "Would it be okay if I wrote a scathingly partisan attack on the rightwing
> media and the Bush administration?"
>
> "No problem," Harvard said absentmindedly.
>
> "Count me in," I replied. "From now on call me 'Professor Franken.'"
>
> "No," Harvard said, "you're not a professor. But you can run a study group
> on the topic of your choosing."
>
> "Great," I said. "I've got the perfect topic: Write My Son's Harvard
College
> Application Essay."
>
> "No," they said. "Harvard students already know how to write successful
> Harvard applications, Al. We want you to teach them something new."
>
> Harvard was right where I wanted it. "How about if the topic is: How to
> Research My Book?"
>
> "Sure," Harvard said. "Most of our professors teach that course. Why, in
the
> Biochemistry department, most of the graduate level courses are-"
>
> Harvard was boring me. "I gotta run, Harvard. Thanks."
>
> ***
>
> I had my Nexis, I had my Google, I had my Harvard fellowship, and I had my
> fourteen research assistants. I sat down to write. Nothing.
>
> So I got on my knees and prayed for guidance. "How, God, can I best do
Your
> work through this book? Who, dear Lord, is the audience for a book like
> this? And what's a good title?"
>
> God answered, "YOU KNOW THOSE SH***Y BOOKS BY ANN COULTER AND BERNIE
> GOLDBERG?"
>
> "The best-sellers that claim there's a liberal bias in the media?" I
asked.
>
> "TOTAL BULLS***," God said. "START BY ATTACKING THEM. HE'S CLEARLY A
> DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE, AND SHE JUST LIES. BY THE WAY, THERE'S
> SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER."
>
> "That's pretty obvious."
>
> "SO GO AFTER THEM, THE WHOLE LIBERAL BIAS MYTH, AND THEN GO AFTER THE
> RIGHT-WING MEDIA. ESPECIALLY FOX."
>
> "Okay, God, I'm writing this down."
>
> "THEN USE THEM AS A JUMPING-OFF POINT TO GO AFTER BUSH. YOU KNOW, BIG TAX
> CUTS FOR THE RICH, SURGING UNEMPLOYMENT, IGNORING EVERYONE BUT HIS
CORPORATE
> BUDDIES, SCREWING THE ENVIRONMENT, PISSING OFF THE REST OF THE WORLD. THAT
> STUFF. AND THAT'S YOUR BOOK."
>
> "Got it. One last thing. Title."
>
> "HOW ABOUT BEARERS OF FALSE WITNESS AND THE FALSE WITNESS THAT THEY BEAR?"
>
> "Hmm. I, uh, I'll work with that."
>
> --------------------------------------------
>
>
> ---------------------------------------------
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