[Vision2020] Local Screenplay: "Darth Wilson Strikes Back"
Douglas Stambler
ccm_moscow@yahoo.com
Sat, 2 Aug 2003 13:54:03 -0700 (PDT)
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"Darth Wilson Strikes Back"
screenplay by Douglas Stambler
(theme music: Darth Wilson's March - also known as the theme from Cheers)
Darth Wilson: Are the 19 year old young men ready yet?
Herr Kimmell: Not yet, sir! Still in the indoctrination stage of their mind programming.
Darth Wilson: Did you show them the film, Clockwork Orange yet?
Herr Kimmell: Yes, sir. And we flashed them pictures of you drinking beer, too, sir - right in the middle of the film.
Darth Wilson: (evil laugh) Mooo-ha-ha!! I will have their souls yet, AND their tuition money!
Herr Kimmell: Vera White called, sir, she says she'd like an interview for her column.
Darth Wilson: (confused) Did you tell her that I never grant interviews to women, homosexuals or them African types?
Herr Kimmell: (scared) Yes, sir, but she insisted. She said that she just has to see your
beard in person.
Darth Wilson: SHE SHALL HAVE MY BEARD, AND EAT IT, TOO!! Herr Kimmell: (rubbing his hands, counting the change in his khaki slacks) Yes, sir, yes! I think I have enough here to call her on the phone.
Darth Wilson: Have her wait for me in the beer hall: She WILL submit to the elders of my church, my wonderful, all-powerful, empty-headed church!!
Herr Kimmell: (voice like a rat) Yeeessss, ssiirrr! Yess. She will be like Swiss Cheese for us, and the congregation will make a sandwich of her!
Darth Wilson: You're an idiot, Kimmell! Get out of my face. (breathes forcefully through his big, black helmet) I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow! (pounds his fist into his other hand) I WILL BE CHIEF MOOSE OF THE PALOUSE!! AH AHAHA HAAHAHHHHH!!!!!
****************************************************
(meanwhile, at the Moscow Food Co-op)
Garret Skywoosie: (in a kid's voice) If we just attach the antenna to the dumpster behind the food co-op, I think we can get Radio Free Moscow up and running in no time.
Boob Hoffman: Did you cash that check for 45 cents that Tom Hansen donated for the cause?
Garret Skywoosie: Oh, crud! I must have washed that check with my hipster jeans. It's gone, Boob, all gone.
Boob Hoffman: All right, then, we'll just have to make do with these clothing hangers I stole from Ecclectica.
Garret Skywoosie: Sounds like a plan, man. Say, do you think that Peter Basoa will ever run a radio station again?
Boob Hoffman: Not if I can help it. If those strokes didn't finish him off, then we'll just confiscate his Fedora hat and sell it for auction at the Food Co-op to raise money for Kendra's Eyelash Transplant.
Garret Skywoosie: Oh, praise the gods. She'll finally have a decent pair of eyelashes to wear in the store.
Boob Hoffman: Come on, we need to get back to the van, so that we can begin transmitting.
Garret Skywoosie: (philosophically) But I am an atheist! How can I praise the gods? Oh, never mind. (scurries off)
*****************************************************
(inside Darth Wilson's beer hall)
Vera White: And you promise never to throw eggs at my house again?
Darth Wilson: I promise. Okay, so now we go after Stambler.
Vera White: Right. The guy is totally a nuisance. Why, I tried being nice to him once (starts sobbing)...and, and...
Darth Wilson: Yes? (sentimentally) What, Vera, what, talk to Darth "Papa Calvin" Wilson.
Vera White: Well, he freakin' rejected me, like a cheap ho.
Darth Wilson: But Vera...
Vera White: Yes, I know what I am! Yes, I know what I've done, but NOBODY REJECTS ME, NOBODY!! I will have that boy's ponytail, and I will play pin the tail on the donkey with it!
Darth Wilson: Uh, Vera?
Vera White: Yes, Darth?
Darth Wilson: I already have Dale Courtney taking care of that. He applied for a federal grant last year for surveillance equipment to keep an eye on our beloved "lunatic prophet," and he should have his ponytail any day now. (Dale Courtney enters with AK-47 firmly in his butt)
Dale: Sir.
Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney? Can't you see that I am showing Vera White my beard? Anyway, sit down with us, have a beer.
Dale: But sir...
Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney?
Dale: Reports are that the brainwashing on Mayor CONstock didn't take, and that he has joined Stambler and the other revolutionaries at Friendship Square.
Darth Wilson: (pounds the long, beer hall table) BUT!! We have to stop them. No one takes back Friendship Square. I have a secret camera mounted to take pictures of all the lovely young men who come by, so that I might quote Scripture to them and boggle their minds in my private study at a later time! We must hurry. (Dale, Vera and Darth Wilson exit hastily)
***********************************************
---------------------------------
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Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii
<DIV>"Darth Wilson Strikes Back"</DIV>
<DIV>screenplay by Douglas Stambler</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>(theme music: Darth Wilson's March - also known as the theme from Cheers) </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: Are the 19 year old young men ready yet? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Herr Kimmell: Not yet, sir! Still in the indoctrination stage of their mind programming. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: Did you show them the film, Clockwork Orange yet? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Herr Kimmell: Yes, sir. And we flashed them pictures of you drinking beer, too, sir - right in the middle of the film. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: (evil laugh) Mooo-ha-ha!! I will have their souls yet, AND their tuition money! </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Herr Kimmell: Vera White called, sir, she says she'd like an interview for her column. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: (confused) Did you tell her that I never grant interviews to women, homosexuals or them African types? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Herr Kimmell: (scared) Yes, sir, but she insisted. She said that she just has to see your </DIV>
<DIV>beard in person. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: SHE SHALL HAVE MY BEARD, AND EAT IT, TOO!! Herr Kimmell: (rubbing his hands, counting the change in his khaki slacks) Yes, sir, yes! I think I have enough here to call her on the phone. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: Have her wait for me in the beer hall: She WILL submit to the elders of my church, my wonderful, all-powerful, empty-headed church!! </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Herr Kimmell: (voice like a rat) Yeeessss, ssiirrr! Yess. She will be like Swiss Cheese for us, and the congregation will make a sandwich of her! </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: You're an idiot, Kimmell! Get out of my face. (breathes forcefully through his big, black helmet) I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow! (pounds his fist into his other hand) I WILL BE CHIEF MOOSE OF THE PALOUSE!! AH AHAHA HAAHAHHHHH!!!!! </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>**************************************************** </DIV>
<DIV>(meanwhile, at the Moscow Food Co-op) </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Garret Skywoosie: (in a kid's voice) If we just attach the antenna to the dumpster behind the food co-op, I think we can get Radio Free Moscow up and running in no time. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Boob Hoffman: Did you cash that check for 45 cents that Tom Hansen donated for the cause? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Garret Skywoosie: Oh, crud! I must have washed that check with my hipster jeans. It's gone, Boob, all gone. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Boob Hoffman: All right, then, we'll just have to make do with these clothing hangers I stole from Ecclectica. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Garret Skywoosie: Sounds like a plan, man. Say, do you think that Peter Basoa will ever run a radio station again? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Boob Hoffman: Not if I can help it. If those strokes didn't finish him off, then we'll just confiscate his Fedora hat and sell it for auction at the Food Co-op to raise money for Kendra's Eyelash Transplant. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Garret Skywoosie: Oh, praise the gods. She'll finally have a decent pair of eyelashes to wear in the store. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Boob Hoffman: Come on, we need to get back to the van, so that we can begin transmitting. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Garret Skywoosie: (philosophically) But I am an atheist! How can I praise the gods? Oh, never mind. (scurries off) </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>***************************************************** </DIV>
<DIV>(inside Darth Wilson's beer hall) </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Vera White: And you promise never to throw eggs at my house again? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: I promise. Okay, so now we go after Stambler. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Vera White: Right. The guy is totally a nuisance. Why, I tried being nice to him once (starts sobbing)...and, and... </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: Yes? (sentimentally) What, Vera, what, talk to Darth "Papa Calvin" Wilson. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Vera White: Well, he freakin' rejected me, like a cheap ho. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: But Vera... </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Vera White: Yes, I know what I am! Yes, I know what I've done, but NOBODY REJECTS ME, NOBODY!! I will have that boy's ponytail, and I will play pin the tail on the donkey with it! </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: Uh, Vera? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Vera White: Yes, Darth? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: I already have Dale Courtney taking care of that. He applied for a federal grant last year for surveillance equipment to keep an eye on our beloved "lunatic prophet," and he should have his ponytail any day now. (Dale Courtney enters with AK-47 firmly in his butt) </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Dale: Sir. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney? Can't you see that I am showing Vera White my beard? Anyway, sit down with us, have a beer. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Dale: But sir... </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney? </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Dale: Reports are that the brainwashing on Mayor CONstock didn't take, and that he has joined Stambler and the other revolutionaries at Friendship Square. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Darth Wilson: (pounds the long, beer hall table) BUT!! We have to stop them. No one takes back Friendship Square. I have a secret camera mounted to take pictures of all the lovely young men who come by, so that I might quote Scripture to them and boggle their minds in my private study at a later time! We must hurry. (Dale, Vera and Darth Wilson exit hastily) </DIV>
<DIV>*********************************************** </DIV><p><hr SIZE=1>
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